Sigh,

Hi...it's me again, just here to complain some more

So I've been in Ottawa for over a week now and, things are going good. city transit is going fine, no one has been stressing me to get a job and I've been doing more than my share of house work...but, for some reason I feel really neglected, maybe it isn't even neglect but, that's why I'm ranting...there's no one else to listen to it....like normal. I love my boyfriend Arun, with no doubt all my heart but, for some reason I feel so distraught right now. He was at school today and that was fine and all, I stayed home cleaned some stuff then sat on the couch. He later gave me a call asking me to meet him at the university and I of course said yes, why wouldn't I? The way he asked the question made it seem like he had something planned but, little was I aware he just wanted me there, which, is very thoughtful of him. We sat in the GLBTQ center for a while and talked with some nice folks and then moved to hang with some different but equally awesome people, ok ill skip a lot of the boring stuff. I got a little frustrated when a "I'll be back in a moment turned" turned into this very long conversation about the free speech wall so, I decided to take matters into my own hands and I left to deliver the food we had purchased for a friend, to that friend. (FYI I didn't lose my way!) I was a little frustrated that I went all the way to the university for nothing but hey, it was a nice thing for Arun to ask me to come out. My final straw was when I was dragged into this room. The room had people sitting around a table ready to have a meeting and of course people looked at me thinking, "Who's this guy?" Of course I fled to Arun for comfort because, not only was I already not in my comfort zone I was through even further from it! I had no idea where I was, who was around and why I was there! It was very uncomfortable so I got up and left for home. I enjoyed getting some lunch with Arun and talking about the Pie, Pie, Pie but I had no intent on sitting there with nothing to say and no clue what was going on (now he's singing.....swoon) ugh if only he knew how jealous I was of him. His intelligence. His influence. His talents at singing and cooking. He has so many things I wish I could have....and truthfully I feel inadequate. How can I be a good house husband when his cooking is better than mine? How can I ever be in a musical? Sure...hitting the wrong note, that's sexy. I want to be with him so badly but I feel crappy when I'm with him because I am filled with so much self-hate! I really do enjoy sitting on the couch with him, browsing the internet but, when he sees a cute boy he says "he is extraordinarily attractive" and it doesn't really bother me, I mean, he's sleeping with me not them. The issue arises when it becomes more like an obsession then an appreciation. I can never look like some boys, I don't have the build for it and it makes me so sad. I could never make him look at me like he does them. I have such Anxiety building up! I want him to say "what's wrong" but then of course I'll say "Nothing, I'm ok" but, am I really ok. Yes, yes I am. I don't know why I feel so bad right now. I wish I didn't.

"What's your reason for tell me all this" is what you're probably thinking and that answer....is at least a simple one. I needed to feel heard but, in my strange way of thinking I didn't want anybody to give input until I had everything said. THIS IS A COMPLETE GRAB FOR ATTENTION. I know it is and so do you! I need the attention. I don't want the attention. I want someone to come and hug me and only pay attention to me! I want to help people be happy in their lives! I want Arun to help me with house work and to take on the world with me in his hands. I want to be in the shadows and make Aruns life easier so he can take on the world. I have so many conflicting feelings and they have all arisen from trying to be a good person, yet trying to be hypocritical.

Helping people causes stress
Helping too many people makes it so you can't help yourself
Having a boyfriend helps relieve the stress
Boyfriend needs help
Boyfriend causes stress

I understand wanting to help people, I also understand when it just seems like everyone only care about themselves, I also understand the frustration that comes from helping to many people

its cause me to feel like I can't have problem and if I do I must bottle them up so that I'm not bothering people with my problems because I know that people sometimes get annoyed with helping people with their problems.....any one following this?

I know I suck at wording things
I know my grammar SUCKS
I know I'm whining
I know everything is my own fault
I know I shouldn't be posting this only if I don't want to bother people

I just want the feeling of being heard, and just like before, people can comment but no one has to!

Ps. Arun, none of this is meant to attack you, to make you feel like a bad boyfriend, I love you, you're not a bad boyfriend. I'm a bad boyfriend for being worried about nothing! My feelings want you to drop everything and only care to my needs and that can NEVER happen I don't want it to! I'm just on my period I guess. I wish I could be sitting with you on that couch right now, I hope you're not wasting your time worrying about me (see that, another move to grab for attention. I'll hope you'll say something along the lines of "you're never be a waste of time" because I want to have verbal confirmation on your love for me....even though I know you love me) I just can't pay attention to more political stuff, it causes me emotional pain and I just need time to relax and having you be sad yet not being able to console you makes me sad, being sad around you makes me sadder because when you're happy I just drag you down! I'm sorry for worrying you, and if you ever read this, I'm sorry that you do.

Sigh my brain has stopped forming coherent thoughts now but, this is all I can do to help understand myself and hopefully help someone understand me.